im so sick of everything. nothing in my life is particularly ‘good’ atm and i just.. im not sure what to do about anything anymore.

once upon a time i had my life together.. then i didn’t. i don’t even know where to start. every things just a big circle of blah!

basketball.. sigh. i’ve had to sacrifice a lotta basketball lately and frankly it has effected my game. i don’t have the confidence i once had. playing was second nature. i knew what to do naturally without having to think. now i screw up things that used to be as easy as breathing. i’ve been a PG my whole life. i’ve broken plenty of press’ in my “career” but in that game this weekend.. it looked like i haven’t dribbled a basketball before in my life.. its so frustrating when my coaches don’t play me because i screw up all the time but why do you think i screw up? because youuu, the coaches, do not let me practice those positions during practice and then you expect me to just be able to do it in a game, on the spot. gah! its not fair. how am i suppose to prove myself whilst sitting on the bench? ugh. the worst part is when my teammates say “bernie, you’re so good. i don’t understand why you don’t play” … gee! thanks! go tell coach that! frick. its almost a compliment if you exclude the huge slap in the face! gahhhh! also when past coaches or friends of mine say “you’re good bernie! idk why they don’t see it” … thanks! but i’ve been asking myself that for a while now too. if its so evident to everyone else, why is it the two people who control my playing time are the only ones who don’t see it? s’okay. i decided imma sit through this season. pay my bench time. get better this spring. and then prove to them gr12 is my year. imma tear shit up. anyway. imma back track a tad. my parents question my loyalty to this team because i get such little playing time. they ask why i choose to stay despite being benched all the time and such. honestly. its gotten to the point where my confidence is so minuscule that i don’t even wanna go in for close games because i believe i will screw things up… they basically told me to “be realistic” and asked me “where is basketball going to take you?” at that point, I’m tearing up because what I’m hearing is “you’re not as good as you used to be, you should quit and focus on school” except they definitely said the “focus on school” part. it hurts y’know? hearing your parents encouraging you to quit … really sucks. sigh. this is the part where my lip starts trembling and my eyes water so i state my final comment (usually along the lines of k, yep, or fine) then go up to my room. there, i curl up in some sweats and a hoodie, hide under my covers and just cryyyyy. man. its the worst. cus then i feel guilty about crying over basketball. how pathetic is that? crying over basketball.. people have much more serious shit to deal with and I’m crying over playing time. ashamed. anyway. over the course of writing this, my dad called me back to apologize for being too hard on me and not asking how i was doing after not being played. then my mom proceeded to come in and ask me for a hug which was accompanied by some encouraging and supportive words.. and of course, i cried again. k I’m done. not sure anyone will actually read this, but if you made it to this part. thanks for caring enough to read this.. much love <3